H'garkbheadh
by Cu Chulainn 1945
Summary: "Hello, Pagan Leader. We hope you are well?"
1. Chapter 1: H'garkbheadh's Witnesses

Knock, knock.

"Uuuwaaargh," Rush groaned, burying his head deeper in the pillow.

Knock, knock, knock.

"Go away!" He pressed the blanket around his ears. Seriously? The one day he actually decides to sleep and people are trying to interrupt?

Knock, knock, knock.

Fuming, Rush threw the covers aside and stormed to the door, slamming his hand against the release button, ready to give whoever was on the other side the proverbial whipping of their life.

He froze.

Aliens.

Huge aliens. Aliens with translucent skin and protruding heads and feelers. Feelers!

And suits.

"Hello," said one of the aliens politely, putting his foot in the door. "I'd like to tell you about H'garkbheadh."

There was a long moment of silence.

"H'garkbheadh?" Rush repeated, voice weak.

"Yes!" chirped the other alien, much too cheerful for an early-morning visit. Or abduction. Whatever this was. "H'garkbheadh is your lord and savior. He loves you very much."

"Oh, shit," Rush moaned. He leaned against the wall and rested his head on his forearm. The aliens watched him curiously, heads cocked.

"Are you already a follower of H'garkbheadh?" the first alien asked. Rush made a sound similar to a whining laugh.

"Yes," he said, still smiling at the plain ludicrousness of his situation. "Yes, I am."

"Oh, our bad. Good day then, sir."

They shut the hatch. For a moment, Rush just stood there, considering whether to go back to bed or not.

"Damn banana gruel," he growled, pushing away from the wall. "Messing with my head."

He would definitely have a conversation with Becker in the morning.


	2. Chapter 2: Cognitive Inventions

Maybe everyone was staring at him for a legitimate reason. Maybe he had something on his face, or maybe he was bleeding from somewhere unusual. Maybe it was justified.

But Rush doubted it.

He took a turn through Destiny's corridors that skipped the mess hall and led him right to the Apple Core. Behind him, the … hallucinations followed.

"You must come to Mass with us!" said the larger of the two hallucinations. "You have not properly worshiped with H'garkbheadh today!"

Rush lowered his chin and quickened his pace, steadfastly ignoring the aliens.

"Perhaps we should Cleanse him," said the smaller alien to the larger. "It would truly be pleasing to H'garkbheadh - not to mention Father Mhaigh."

_Cleanse_? Hell no. Rush walked a little faster.

"Hi, Rush!" said Eli when he finally made it to the console room. "So we got this data back from the Kino on that planet we were deliberating -"

"Eli," Rush snapped. Eli fell silent. "I am in no mood."

He elbowed past Mathboy to his favorite console, which he affectionately nicknamed Dana.

"Um, Rush?" said Eli.

"_What_?"

"Quick question."

Sighing, Rush kneaded his temples and waited for Eli to proceed.

"Why are there aliens following you? And why are they wearing suits?"

Very slowly, Rush turned around.

"Hello!" said the larger alien to Eli. "Have you worshiped with H'garkbheadh today?"

"… No?"

The aliens threw up their arms and pulled Eli into something like a hug. Rush turned green.

"Help!" Eli squeaked.

"You're on your own," said Rush, shuffling away and hoping the aliens wouldn't see him. "When delusions get mass, I pack my things and go."

"Rush!"

"Oh, shh," said the smaller alien to Eli as Rush left the room. "It's not so bad in the fold. We have complementary robes."

"And the orgies aren't so bad if you keep your eyes closed," advised the larger.

Eli paled.

"RUSH!"


	3. Chapter 3: Converts

Mealtimes were always sordid affairs for Dr. Rush. Today, with two hulking aliens at his table (not to mention the handful of crew members who had converted), it was even worse.

"Today is the feast day of Saint Ghaeoilge," said the larger alien, who was named Dubhghuill. "So be sure you all eat plenty of nuts. If you're unsure on what's proper, Brother Nicholas will guide you."

Rush put his head down and groaned. The entire group of converts copied him, and a few of the more sane crew members moved away from the mass groaning.

"Brother Nicholas?" said the smaller alien, who was named Tom. "You haven't touched your banana gruel."

Not looking up, Rush pushed the bowl in the general direction of the aliens.

"I'm fasting," he said. It earned him a moment of peace. Then -

"Brother Nicholas?" said one of the converts. Rush suppressed a sigh.

"_Yes_, Sergeant Greer?"

"I was thinking of maybe adjusting my fatigues, sir," said Greer respectfully. Rush looked up at him disbelievingly.

"Into _what_?"

Greer shrugged. "A suit, sir, to match Brother Dubhghuill's and Brother Tom's. But maybe a habit instead. That would be cool."

"Greer, I think habits are for nuns."

Greer nodded, but the carefully blank look on his face suggested he disagreed. And frankly, Rush had no time to educate the military today, whether he was right or not. He had work to do.

"Excuse me," he muttered under his breath, adding something that may or may not have been unholy. He made it maybe three feet before he ran right into someone.

"Rush," said Colonel Young, voice controlled. Rush looked up to see the other man staring at the followers of Father Mhaigh with hooded eyes. "Might I ask why my best men are fraternizing with aliens? And _you_?"

"Because your men are the biggest idiots aboard," Rush snapped. Young glanced at him a little vindictively.

"Volker's over there _too_, you know."

"The mentally challenged don't count."

To his credit, Young didn't look at all affronted on Volker's behalf.

"Why did you bring aliens aboard Destiny?" he asked instead. Rush felt a headache - probably stress-and-fury-induced - crash against his temples like a freight train.

"You think _I _did this?" he said, voice strained.

"Well, they _did_ come to you."

"Colonel, I _assure_ you," Rush bit out, "the _last_ thing I want on Destiny is another blasted confraternity."

He shot a scathing look to the aliens for emphasis. To his immediate chagrin, Brother Tom waved.

"Brother Nicholas!" called Tom. "Are you converting the humans' heathen leader?"

Rush cringed. He turned back to Young, who raised an eyebrow at him.

It occurred to Rush that a brainwashed Young could be a plus for him.

"They have great suits," he offered.

Young rolled his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4: Ceremonies

A day or two of stressed living with the aliens led Dr. Rush to hide in the daytime and work when the aliens (and the converts) were asleep. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before H'garkbheadh's followers caught on, and soon Rush was sneaking around even at nighttime, much to the annoyance of Colonel Young, who wasn't convinced this was an altogether new development.

Walking on his tiptoes, Rush headed toward a storage room in search of spare parts for the repairs he was trying to do. He hit the release button, content with the knowledge that the aliens were religious and not scientific, and would therefore want nothing to do with their scrap metal.

He was wrong.

"Oh, greetings, Brother Nicholas!" said Tom, who was investigating a stone-faced Sergeant Greer's feet. "You're just in time for the ceremonial pubic shaving of the acolytes."

Rush pinched the bridge of his nose and counted to three.

"_Ceremonial pubic shaving_?" he squeaked out. Brother Dubhghuill answered.

"Oh, indeed. However, we have hit a snag. We can't seem to find any of the acolytes' genitals."

Rush removed the hand from his face and found the aliens still examining Greer's feet. He wasn't sure whether he should bring up the mistake or let them think that humans were very, very small.

"What the hell are you shaving his … his pubes for?" Rush demanded, voice rather weak. Dubhghuill looked up in surprise.

"You don't know?" he asked. "Brother Nicholas, you _must_ have gone through a shaving of your own. If you didn't, we can always -"

"No, I did," said Rush hastily. The aliens turned back to their foot examination. "Greer," said Rush carefully, "are you … all right with this, then?"

"It's Brother Ronald," Greer corrected calmly. Rush waited for him to go on. After a while, he realized that was all the soldier had to say.

"Right. Um, then you might want to tell them they're looking in the wrong place."

"Yes, Brother Nicholas. Good idea."

Greer grabbed Tom's face and slowly brought it somewhere most unholy. Rush felt the blood drain from his face.

"You sure you don't want another shaving, Brother Nicholas?" called Brother Dubhghuill. "It's always good to stay clean for H'garkbheadh."

"No, I'm good," said Rush. "Just … you know. Just got shaved. Yesterday, in fact."

"Very good, Brother."

They turned away from him, thoroughly engrossed in undoing Brother Ronald's pants. Rush just stood there for a while, feeling faint.

Then an electric razor started up and Rush decided ship repairs could wait at least until the storage rooms were sanitized. He turned on his heel and left the room.


	5. Chapter 5: Chastity

A/N: We're back! With what I think is maybe an extra-long chapter of H'garkbheadh. Maybe. I haven't checked, I just write stuff and post it.

Enjoy this stuff I wrote.

It's good.

* * *

"Attention! Attention!"

Slowly, the entire mess hall turned to stare coldly at the hulking aliens and their brethren. For good measure, Brother Dubhghuill tapped his spoon against his bowl again.

"Brother Tom and I would like to make some announcements," he said, reaching over for a long scroll of paper. "First, Mass will now be held every five minutes. If you cannot make it to the chapel, please take a moment for silent prayer and reflection wherever you are."

The "chapel", as they put it, was in fact the Colonel's sleeping quarters. The aliens were trying really, _really_ hard. There was even a shrine to H'garkbheadh on his desk, and they'd been so kind as to get him Brother Nicholas's autograph and a lock of the scientist's hair (forcibly taken – both the autograph and the hair, that is).

Young was strangely OK with this.

"Second," said Brother Dubhghuill, "I would like to humbly request that banana gruel be taken off the menu."

Silence.

"Sorry?" said Becker, looking lost. "Could you repeat that?"

"Off the menu," said Brother Tom quite kindly. "It's not kosher, you see."

"You'll starve!" Young scoffed. The aliens gave him disapproving looks.

"Colonel Young," they said before he could go on, "what did we say about taking turns?"

"What?"

"Are you holding the Feather of Articulation?"

For a moment, the colonel only gaped. It was his fault, really – they'd given him the "Feather of Articulation" lecture weeks ago – but that didn't mean he was happy with it. Eli came to his rescue.

"Tom wasn't holding the Feather when _he_ interrupted," he pointed out. Brother Tom looked sorely disappointed.

"Oh, Eli," he said sadly. "So bright."

He and Brother Dubhghuill shook their heads. Eli blinked.

"Oookay."

"Brothers," said Brother Ronald softly, "the rest of the list?"

"Oh, right. And third –" Brother Tom reached into a little burlap bag and pulled out a handful of something shiny. "In light of the … _gruesome_ discoveries that Brother Dubhghuill and I have made –"

"_People are having sex_," Brother Dubhghuill whispered.

"Right. We'd like to make a suggestion."

His eyes narrowed.

"A _mandatory _suggestion."

With that, Brother Tom opened his fist and let everyone see the shininess inside.

"_Purity rings_?" TJ squawked indignantly.

"Yes, Tamara," Brother Tom sniffed. "We figured you'd be disappointed."

The medic didn't seem to know how to respond. Young and Rush just covered their faces.

"Everyone will get one, don't worry!" Brother Dubhghuill assured. "Brother Ronald will pass them out."

For about a minute, Rush only watched as Greer moved through the mess hall, offering people the little metal rings and occasionally twisting them onto dissenters' little fingers and hissing words that sounding vaguely like "pube" and "shave".

TJ and Camille received chastity belts.

Rush wasn't sure what to make of that.

"Er, Brother Tom!" he spoke up when Greer offered him his ring. "Is it really necessary for me to wear one of these? I am, after all, a … _brother_."

"You have to set an _example_," said Greer stoically, eyes hooded and threatening. He handed Rush his ring, then gave Young his and moved on.

"Don't worry," Young muttered quietlywhen Greer was gone. "When you switch bodies, the ring doesn't come with you."

"Who the HELL would let me have sex in their body?"

"Not you," Young whispered scathingly. "But Telford and I have an arrangement. He's got his eye on this cute little brunette scientist."

Rush scanned the room. "Park?" he guessed.

"Hm, no."

"Gimme a hint."

"Park's the wrong gender."

Young walked away.


	6. Chapter 6: Corruption

**A/N: *pulls empty bucket out of old stone structure* Hmm ... the Idea Well's looking a bit dry these days. Must be going through a drought.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Colonel Young woke up the next day to a distinct smell – a smell he recognized, but shuddered to think about being present on Destiny.

Smoke.

Quickly, he rolled out of bed and – not bothering to put his pants or shoes on – hurtled out the door. Then he paused, turned around slowly, and went back inside.

The fire was in his room.

"Hello, Pagan Leader," Tom greeted him. "I hope you are well."

Young edged closer to his pants, but Dubhghuill snatched them and tossed them on the fire.

"What are you doing?" Young snapped, finally taking note of the large amount of solemn-faced postulants in his room.

"We're holding a book burning," Tom answered.

It was a long time before Young regained the use of his tongue.

"A BOOK BURNING?" he yelped. "We have three books on this ship! You can't –"

"They were heathenistic," said Dubhghuill simply. "They were corrupting our acolytes. So with this sacred match –"

"Sacred match?"

" – We lit the fire inside the ship's very center of immorality and lust."

Young stared at them.

"My room?" he asked. They nodded. "My room is the center of immorality and lust?"

"Indeed."

Young passed a hand over his face, shaking his head slowly. "So my sleeping quarters," he said, "become hell …. Yet Rush is a religious leader?"

"Brother Nicholas is celibate," Brother Tom said gently. "We checked. Therefore, his quarters cannot possibly be a center of immorality and lust."

Young looked up at them in disbelief. "Well, I'm sure he's celibate with _other_ people," he scoffed. The aliens stared at him blankly, uncomprehending. Greer was giving him a very disapproving look.

"You know," Young said awkwardly. "His right hand is his best friend …?"

Completely bemused, the aliens looked at their various tentacles as if the answer lay there. Young felt himself go pale.

"Look," he said, "I'm just gonna go. Try not to burn my bed down."

They made no promises.


End file.
